WOW.  Seems I come alive in the springtime as I've not updated in over a month.  Still hanging in the 170's for weight. Tomorrow I have my second Crank the Kanc 21 mile UPHILL cycle race.  Amazing.  Last year, the eve before the event was anxiety filled.  What a difference a year manes as I am more excited than anything. It's supposed to be in the 60's, and sunny.  My goals:  1) to complete the event  and 2) to beat 1h 30 m.  That would mean shaving a small 2 minutes off last years time.  I PROMISE I will be more diligent in posting!

Diabetes self-management.

Lot's to talk about today.  Like many Americans, I am being impacted by the recession. A self-employed web developer, last fall saw a pretty dramatic drop in business.  (Thankfully, things are picking up a bit...;-)

I have what I fondly call my 'core debt". Financial obligations that must be met- no matter what.  Included in these are pretty typical expenses like my mortgage, taxes, food, child-support and the like.   Like many folks, I have optional expenditures.  Suffice to say, dinner out, vacations, and the like have been cut back quite dramatically.

Last fall I made a decision I have since come to grips with. I cancelled my health insurance. My premiums were close to $4,000 a year. Sadly, this was not the typical insurance where I would go to the doctors offcice, pay my co-pay, drop 5 bucks for a prescription, and go on my merry way. My $4,000 a year was for catastrophic coverage. I had a $5,000 yearly deductible. Simply put, until I paid over $5,000 out of pocket, there was no insurance benefit.  A plan with a lower deductible would have run me over $8,000 a year.  Don't even get me going on that.

All of my doctor visits, test strips, lab test, etc, were all paid for out-of-pocket.  This in addition to paying my monthly premium.  Not once did I ever get close to my annual deductible.  You can see where I am going with this.

Though I still strip-test one a month or so (at the recommendation of my CDE) I have not had an A1C test in over a year. This has been a source of a perpetual low level gnawing at me as the A1C is a much better indicator of how I am managing my diabetes.  Though I fully expect to be in the ultra-healthy range, it's still the responsible thing to do.

When income drops, so does my ability to spend.  You would think a simple lab test would be affordable, but here's the rub... I am required to head into my primary care physicians office before lab work can be ordered.

Office Visit:  $129.00
Lab Work:    $80.00

My out of pocket cost for an A1C is OVER $200.00!  

Disclaimer: Diabetes is a serious medical condition requiring professional medical care. Information presented on this site is not presented as medical advise. Please consult your physician immediately you have concerns about your health.

Enter Wal-Mart.

<cheers, cheers>

I was kicking around my local Wal-Mart last night with my fiancé and what to my wondering eyes should appear? An A1C test on the shelf. I cheered, I cheered!

OK, enough of the rhyming.  ;-)  Cost for the test?  Nine dollars. Yes, nine dollars.  Included are complete instructions, a prepaid envelope to send the sample to the lab, and email results back to me in about a week.

Nine dollars.

I repeat- nine dollars.

You can even buy it online Click Here. 

My 1st A1C came in at 11.5.  I was in abysmal shape. I am expecting a 5.5 or so. Update to follow when I get my results.

A bit of a summary...  I am a strong advocate in self-management of diabetes. My life has unfolded in a way that has shown me that I can live life, happily, in relative comfort and at peace with my diabetes. I feel a bit like I hit the A1C lottery, but that is a tale for another time.

WOW.  A month since I've posted anything.  Time flies.

Perspectives...

A 55 degree ride in August- Frigid
A 55 degree ride in early March with a foot of snow on the ground- heaven!

I just got back from my 1st night ride of the year.  Though I banged out 25 miles today, the last ten were after 8PM in the dark.  It was wonderful.  Oddly, it was "warm" 55 degrees.  You could feel the heavy humidly in the air, and the smell of spring was in the air.  You could almost hear the snow melting.

Spring is racing toward us.  TG.

I'm up a couple pounds, but not sure whether to be worried. I've added a couple every winter, but weight control is such a big part of managing diabetes.  I'm at 178.   I had made the decision that my comfort zone was 170-175.  I've moved that up to 179.  Pretty much all winter, I've been riding, 'cept for a few random days, so I'm not really sweating it. 

Sleep calls soon. 

The circumference of the earth at the equator is 24,901.55 miles. In tow years, I have cycled over 14,000 miles.  Within 2 more years, i will have trekked the equivalent of a trek around the world.  Wrap your mind around that one.

Life is OK. Weary of the cold and snow.

Well, my 2 year diabetes anniversary diagnosis came and went. It seems that the excitement leading up to it exceeded the events and mood of the anniversary day. I joked with a few friends that I was going to celebrate with a big piece of chocolate cake. Funny thing, though... the gravity of the real risks of diabetes and the fact that so many are suffering and dieing from the lack of taking proper care of themselves made me think twice about even celebrating.  Suffice to say, I marked it as a significant date and let it pass without much fanfare. I am now "officially" into my third yea with diabetes.

This morning, I made the decision to refocus again.  I started my journey at 250 pounds.  At my lowest weigh, I was down in the 163 range.  At the lower end of the 160 spectrum, I started getting questions form well-intentioned friends asking if I had 1) cancer 2) an eating disorder 3) HIV (for real- that one stunned me...). For a few months, I set my ideal weight range to 165-170, but still the questions persisted. Somewhere around 6 months ago, I reset my ideal weight to 170-175.  I've had a few folks tell me that after a catastrophic weigh loss, it's not uncommon to rebound a few pounds as your body seeks its new equilibrium. I am quite OK with the 170-175 range. 

I have, however, been struggling a bit over the holidays. I've had a few days a bit out of my range.  I am trying to not be rigid an inflexible (aka Obsessed). Rather, I am trying to maintain a healthy perspective on all of this.  Not just my weight, but the complete picture.  I've not been able to bike a few times this winter as the New Hampshire Skies have a tendency to throw down snow. Funny thing- a year ago, that would have driven me crazy...now it does not.   Today is Monday, and I am grounded in what I need to do, and have a track record that shows I can get there. I may have blogged about this before, but over the last few weeks, there have been a number of obits for folks my age... all have a variant of "died from complications of diabetes." I have a family member who has the disease, remains overweight and has lost the feeling in his feet from neuropathy. Like the ADA says, close to 80% of folks who have diabetes refuse to take the steps needed to change to get well. I am grateful that I am a 20 percenter.

D~

Numerous unrelated and occasionally interwoven thoughts today...

I just got back from the market.  My biggest challenge today was running out of veggies. (yes, I am Blessed...).  As I do occasionally, I picked up a local paper. A few years ago, I made the decision to cancel my daily delivery. I my world, there is something inherently wrong with PAYING to have bad news delivered conveniently to my doorstep.  I try to be careful of what I am mindful of as my thoughts can determine how my day unfolds. That being said, I still occasionally pick up a local paper.  

Sadly, I see folks I know in the obituaries with an alarming frequency.  I am only 47, but just last week saw the obit of a long friend from my high school years. Go figure. In today's printed rag, was an obit for a 49 year old member of my community. At only 49, I was compelled to read more. 

His obit went on.... "he died after a long battle with diabetes and heart disease..."

I read that line, folded my paper shut, and came here to my office to write. 

Next week will be the two year anniversary of my diabetes diagnosis. I fully intend to celebrate. Blessings beyond measure have come to me as a direct result of my diagnosis. I am well into year two at my ideal weight.  For over 18 months, I've stayed within a few pounds of 170. My diabetes is effectively in remission. For the longest time, I wrestles with trying to see where my diabetes fit into my new life. Did I beat it? Was I no longer a diabetic? My reality today is that my disease is in remission.  I don't kid myself, however. IF I choose to go back to my older lifestyle- sedentary and overweight, my disease will come roaring back into my life like a freight train with a vengeance.  As long as I continue to do what I am doing, I will remain well. 

By 9:00 AM today, I already had 15 miles under my belt. I need to share that last night, I had a bike ride nothing short of magical.  It was my first night ride after all of the snow.  The night had a strange luminescence as reflecting light from decorated homes in my neighborhood sparkled in the snow.  Though it was only a four miler,  I was left with feelings of tidings and joy. ( hey, what the heck are tidings, anyway?  ;-)

Time marches forward and I am blessed. The Holidays are behind us, kids are healthy, a wedding is to be planned and life is good.

I just wrapped up 6 back-to-back days cresting 30 miles+ dally.  Feels great. I had a bit of a reality check this morning.  With some "life stresses" going on, my diet last night was less than perfect.  That being said, I decided to test. Truth be told, I tested twice.  My first test came it at 107. Call me a bit over-reactive, but I like to be in the 80-99 range.  I don't like triple digits. I know, I know... there are some folks who would live a 107.  

I don't.

After a nice 20 mile trek, I tested again. Happily, a 95 appeared on the screen.

Here is the reality check:  I bought a 20 pack of test strips back in April. I am just now running out.  Is that cool, or what?

In 3 weeks, I celebrate two years as a diabetic.  I am on again, off again as to whether I am still diabetic. In the spirit of my reality as I live it today, I suspect not too many folks who are not diabetic test regularly.  I need to mull this one over.

Surrealism abounded tonight.  Still no snow on the ground here in Southern NH. As such, I took a nice 12 mile after-dark ride on my bike.. all the while admiring the holiday lights. There is just something odd about taking a holiday night ride on a bike. Still, it was fun, I was well-dressed and most importantly- warm (though it was in the 20's)

Random thought- I have a small string of battery powered holiday lights-- I might put 'em on my bike. 

And This is Journalism?

Those who know me best know that I am pretty straightforward these days, leaving little to guesswork.  Such will be the case today.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. Like many folks, I was caught in check-out lines at the grocery store that reflected the time of year. This is a very polite way of saying there were thousands of people out, and most of us waiting in longer lines than usual.

So far so good.

As I pondered the subtle nuances of my days shopping- higher milk prices, the over-abundance of veggies I buy nowadays and more, my eyes strayed to the magazine rack. Mind you, I do not watch soaps, nor will I contribute even a dollar to the annual revenue of the National Enquirer as we all know Elvis is alive and well in South America, anyway. 

What caught my eye was a small pocket sized book called Outsmart Diabetes. Better still, the main image on the front was a piece of the most luscious chocolate cake I've seen in a while with the headline screaming, REVERSE DIABETES With Food!

As my ongoing wellness involved ongoing education, I dropped a copy into my shopping cart to read over the holiday.

Suffice to say, I was shocked.

The old saying, "whoever pays the piper calls the tune" could not be more apropos. Outsmart Diabetes is a small pocket guide put put by Rodale - a self-proclaimed "Global Media Company", with the first 16 pages spilt 50/50.  Fifty percent was filler content and the other 50% is advertising for insulin by Sanofi-Aventis U.S. - a self proclaimed "leading global pharmaceutical company."

Yes, I counted pages. In the spirit of 100% truthful disclosure, between pages 12 and 13 is a bi-fold foldout with even more drug advertising content.

Though there are more subjects I know very little about in comparison to what little I do know, upon a very small amount of analysis and reasoning, it takes not a rocket scientist to see what is happening here.

Simply put, this is not an informational magazine at all. It is a 96 page advertisement with hyped up filler content positioned to break up the ads. Don't kid yourself- diabetes is big business, very big business. A Certified Diabetes Educator that I know (who will remain nameless), shared a couple of years ago that sales reps form two different testing meter companies both pushed her to stop promoting the other. Seems that neither representative wanted to see a bite takes from his monthly commission check.

The average American sees over 10,000 ad impressions EVERY DAY. Corporate America is vying for your attention at every turn. Ads that are clearly defined as ads are one thing. Pharmaceutical ads, that are packaged up under the pretext of being an information-based magazine with the INTENT of helping diabetics, only to push drugs beyond the front cover borders on immoral and unethical.

My closing words of advice- do not believe that everything you read of see as it pertains to your diabetes is worthwhile advice. My dad, a wonderful common-sense old time New Hampshire Yankee used to use a short saying when uttered words were suspect.  "Consider the source," he cautioned. When reading information that appears to be neutral, I suggest you do the same. Please  consider the source.

grueling [groo-uh-ling, groo-ling] 
–adjective
1. exhausting; very tiring; arduously severe: the grueling Boston marathon.
–noun
2. any trying or exhausting procedure or experience.
Also, especially British, grueling.
3. riding 25 miles in frigid 22 degree weather in New Hampshire.

Winter came quickly this year. Last week- 60+ degrees, cycling in shorts. This week- multiple back-to-back days in the low 20's. Cycling in 4 layers and more.

I prefer the former. I tolerate the latter.

Three words...

She said YES!

;-)

Random thoughts from a Ceaseless Thinker...

Six Weeks
In six short weeks, I celebrate the two year anniversary of my diabetes diagnosis. Mixed feelings on this one. Suffice to say, the last tow years have been life-changing, most all of it good.  Man o man, though.. i do work hard to stay healthy.  Feeling a bit weary tonight, so my thinking may be a bit off the beam.

An Expected Unexpected Happening
I've know Kevin for 18 years. Though we never went to dinner, worked at the same company, or lived on the same street, we have shared many conversations and mutual friends for close to two decades.

Last night, I got to meet two of his sons and his twin daughters.  Seems like a great bunch of kids. Sadly, last night was Kevin's wake. He passed away earlier this week. I last saw him a month or so ago. He shared that he was 'on his way out." At long last, he had made the decision to walk away from an unhealthily lifestyle. Sadly, it was too late as his body was damaged beyond repair. Cirrhosis is a terrible thing.  I am grateful I heeded the call and listened to my doc. 

For the second time in as many days, I was awash with emotion as I cycled.  Having to double-blink to clear away tears, I rode tonight under a cold November moon.  At 35 degrees, with a bit of a breeze, the moon cast a deadlight glow across the night landscape robbing the night world of all color. We all carry our own private pain. It's part of the human condition. We laugh, we cry, we experience joy and occasionally sadness. 

Life is a succession of moments. 

Try this on for size.   Think of October 25th of last year.  Try to remember even a single detail of the day. Go on, try it. What time did you get up? What did you have for breakfast?  Did a thought cross your mind at some point during the day that made you smile?

If you are like me, you can't answer a single one of these questions.

How about something a bit closer?

What did you have for dinner a week ago today?

Got ya.

The days pass. 

The years pass.

Specific memories fade. But what lingers is how the events of days past touch us, define us, and shape who we are.  In a year from now, I will have forgotten everything that today presented.  Joys, hardships, sadness, happiness-- all of these will pass...and there will be no memory left.

I am striving to remember that my life is a string of moments.  Moments that all pass, but define me nonetheless. 

In 9 weeks, I will celebrate, yes, celebrate the 2 year anniversary of my diagnosis.  Without it, I never would have had Moments Like This!

Duh.

Did I just say DUH?   Yup. 

Two words that can save your life:

STAY HYDRATED.

Last week, my doc called me an "endurance athlete". I still don't see me as that.  Old self-images fade slowly.  I forget that most folks don't bike 30-40 miles a day, though it seems normal to me. Drop the kids off at school, and ride for an hour before work.  15 miles in a snap. Take a lunch break from sitting in front of a PC for hours and take a ride.  15 more miles.  It sharpens the creative edge and breaks up the day.

Seems that somewhere along the way, I discovered a bit of a paradox. I have a Ferrari body, but only a learners permit brain. The new life is still not always familiar. Here's the scoop... A couple months ago, I got up at 5:00 AM to ...well.. use the bathroom. I really didn't expect to faint stone cold to the floor. But I did.

I called my doc, told her what happened and was told a drop in BP is not uncommon for guys when peeing. ( do you really want all the details?) As my BP is running 100/60 ish with a resting heart rate around 50, we kind of wrote it off as a fluke. Well, a couple weeks ago, the same think happened.  I was on a trip to Maine with my honey, got up at 5:00 and just about hit the floor.  Yes, I was scared.  Dammit, I beat diabetes, I didn't want anything else to beat.  Enough is, after all enough. Other odd symptoms presented... chronic dizziness, massive, unbearable leg cramps at night, gut wrenching mind numbing abdominal cramps.  At a primal level, I suspected something was really wrong.

Last Monday, I called my doc. She wanted me in right away. After a few questions, she looked at me and suggested that I was living in a state of chronic dehydration. Her prescription: start pounding liquids. It's been about a week and EVERY symptom is gone. Pretty amazing.  I feel like a bit of a dunce for how simple the solution was, but really, who knew? 

I am still learning.

I am still living.

I still have 2 feet and good vision.

I now pre-hydrate before I ride and pound down 16oz per hour while riding.

It's pretty amazing that dehydration can do this.  In retrospect, I have been this way for months, and it finally caught up to me. Being a chronic learner, I did my research. Seems that 75% of folks suffer from chronic dehydration. The imperative word- suffer. It was painful. 

In the spirit of hydrating the world, here are the common symptoms of chronic dehydration.  Drink up!

Symptoms of Chronic Dehydration

Yawning, Fatigue, Lack of Energy: Dehydration of the tissues causes enzymatic activity to slow down. Also, blood carries oxygen to the brain. If blood volume is low due to dehydration then the brain can receive less oxygen than is optimal, resulting in fatigue and yawning.

Constipation: When chewed food residue enters the colon, it still contains a high percentage of water, which the colon reduces to form a stool. In chronic dehydration, the colon takes out too much water from the stool for other dehydrated parts of the body, which leads to hardened, compacted stools.

Digestive Disorders: In chronic dehydration, the secretion of digestive juices are less than optimal, which can cause some trouble in properly digesting your food.

High and Low Blood Pressure: Low blood pressure can be due to there simply not being enough blood volume. Here's the really interesting part - high blood pressure can be a state of adaptation of the body to chronic long-term dehydration. As the body fills blood vessels with volume to normalize low pressure due to chronic dehydration, the constriction of the vascular system forces the water from the blood vessels into the cells in order to deliver vital nutrients and oxygen. Such effort by the body can lead to a high blood pressure reading which can actually be traced to dehydration as the root of the problem.

Gastritis, Stomach Ulcers: To protect its mucous membranes from being destroyed by its own acidic digestive fluid, the stomach secretes a layer of mucous. When there is not enough liquid to go around for all the body's vital functions, there can be a reduction in the amount of protective mucous formed.

Respiratory Troubles: The mucous membranes of the respiratory region are normally slightly moist, which protects the respiratory tract from substances that might be present in inhaled air. Again, in chronic dehydration this is a part of the body which might not get enough moisture.

Acid-Alkaline Imbalance: Dehydration causes a slowing down of enzymatic activity which can produce an overly acidic condition in some people.

Excess Weight or Obesity: Thirst is often confused with hunger. If you tend to overeat it's good practice to drink a glass of water about 5 minutes before each meal.

Eczema: Your body needs a sufficient supply of water to sweat out enough moisture, thereby diluting toxins so they do not irritate the skin.

Elevated Cholesterol: When dehydration causes too much liquid to be removed from inside the cells, the body tries to stop this loss by producing more cholesterol.

Cystitis, Urinary Infections: If toxins contained in urine are insufficiently diluted, they can cause problems for the urinary mucous membranes.

Pain: Localized pain may be a warning of localized thirst. The pain signal may be a warning of dehydration in that specific area, for example; low back pain, migraine headache, joint pain, and angina.

Rheumatism: Dehydration abnormally increases the concentration of toxins in the blood and cellular fluids, and rheumatoid type pain increases in proportion to the concentration of the toxins.

General Malaise: Chronic dehydration can contribute to a reduction in lymph flow (lymph fluid carries excess toxins from the body) which in turn may cause general feelings of malaise.

Premature Aging: The body of a newborn baby is composed of about 80 percent liquid. This percentage declines to no more than 70 percent in a healthy adult and will then slowly continue to decline with age. If you're aging prematurely you might just be drying up!

Fall is coming fast.  54 degrees this AM.  I need to be honest.. I've been struggling with the diet of late.  Though I like to try to convince myself that the diabetes is behind me, I am forever changed.  I've done great at keeping my weight within a pound or tow of 170 for over a year.  That alone is amazing.  But of late, it seems like more work.  I well know that there are ups and downs on this ride we call life.  Such is the nature of the human condition.

Pumpkins on doorsteps, color on the trees and colder mornings hint at what's coming.  Colder months test my determination like nothing else.  I am a survivor. 

Been banging out 40+ miles a day the last few days.  I was thinking today how cool it would be to ride from NH to FL to ..well, raise money for the ADA.  I've got lots of dreams, you know.  Diabetes has taken some things from me... but left me with so much more.

Last Saturday, we had a surprise 75th b-day party for my dad.   I have a very realistic hope of seeing 75 ++++. Better still, I expect to have both feet still attached.  Sorry to be so blut, but it is what it is.

Off to bed.

D~

Lots of stuff...

Just back from a long weekend with Nick to Acadia National Park.  Simply stunning.  Words will degrade the experience. There is something about taking a 13 year old up a 1,000 sheer cliff with not much more than iron rungs between you and eternity to wake up your soul. Hearing my son cal out, as we closed up to the summit.. "Dad, I love you, AND I hate you..." was priceless. As was him telling me all about sharing his feat with his brother.  Life changing stuff for a kid.  he was funny after the first extreme climb.  We had a trail map the divided the trails by degree of difficulty. He grabbed a pen and started circling the tough rails for our next climb. Great kid. I am blessed. 

The Precipice

Otter Cliffs

Beehive Trail

We spend days hiking The Precipice, the Beehive, and lots of cliff climbing along the shores. 

Suffice to say, it was amazing. The red rock cliffs are reminiscent of Sedona. If you could imagine Sedona meeting the ocean, you might be close.  Even that is an understatement.  More pics to follow.

Tomorrow, Sarah and I fly to the West to hike in Utah for a couple days.  Plans include Zion national Park, Arches National Park and pretty much anything else we see along the way.

Random stuff...

# I tested out at a nice 77 last week. My doc calls my diabetes "well-controlled". I cal it gone. (she is most likely more right than i, though...)

# Night riding is such a blast.  Me, lots of lights on my bike, the sound of crickets in the night, and watching the moon rise are experiences not to miss.

# Hmmm..... if I never got sick, and subsequently super-healthily, none of this would have revealed itself.  Chew on that.

# While riding today, it hit me... I spend about as much time on a bike as i did in front of my fridge in a past life. I prefer the bike.

# Had a few days struggling with calorie-creep. I jumped up to 173 and panicked. Yes, there is still fear.  Over a year and a half later, and the fear can creep in.  Two words- constant vigilance. I picked up the biking for a couple days at 40 miles + a day, cut back on my calories just a bit, and today found me back at 169.

# Sarah shared this week that I have changed. She called me a "different being" Not sure if I like that. But she (like my doc) is right.  

# I still have a Fat Picture on my fridge. Don't know him anymore.

Early flight to catch.  That's it for tonight.

WOW.  

I did something today I've not done since I was a kid.  Last weekend, I made the decision to take the plunge.  Yup. I did it.  I finally broke down and bought a light set for my bike.

I need to share that I stalled for a couple of days as I had a bit of apprehension about night riding.

Well, my apprehension has gone the way of other ungrounded fears.  Though a bit of a thrill-seeker, I am a closet conservative. That being said, I set a few 'rules' for myself. No MP3 player, no busy streets, and tonight I committed to a short after dark ride.

What an experience.  My familiar day roads took on an entirely new feel at night.  Oddly, I felt more visible to cars in the dark as I was decked out with both a flashing headlight and flashing tale light, with an off "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" glow about me as I pedaled onward.

Watching the moon play peek-a-boo behind some clouds, listening the roar of the crickets, and startling a poor bunny defined the ride.  It was quite peaceful.  I have never been fond of winter. Short days, long nights and cold are not my idea of fun.  it did hit me, though, that I am no longer restricted like before.  I am feeling a new freedom.  Go figure.

Oh, I checked my sugar tonight for the first time in a few weeks.  I was a most wonderful 77. Nice number, nice ride. Life is gonna be OK.

Three words-- CHRONIC PAIN SUCKS.

An MRI 14+ years ago after a 'back incident' showed spinal arthritis, a couple bulging disks, arthritis.  14 years of carrying extra weigh certainly don't help.  It's been five weeks since I pulled my back out. Though I've had a few days of low grade only pain, it's been tough.  Just like when I was first diagnosed with T2D, times like this I fall into the 'I should have made changes sooner" mode, and blame myself for the self abusive, over indigent, excess-Twinkie lifestyle.  Sure-- I 'didn't know what I didn't know', but I sure am paying the price now. 

TTSP. 

This Too Shall Pass.  ;-(

Weekend of heavy miles... 35 on Saturday, 47 on Sunday.  The one year anniversary of Chris' suicide is coming.  Amazing. Like silt stirred up on the bottom of a pond, memories are coming back... many good, many painful.  Going to keep a closer eye on my son as the date draws nearer. Life's most painful experiences can be our best teachers.  Nuff said there.

Warm week ahead according the the Talking Weather Heads. Great time to be in New England.

I suspect I'll be writing less in the summer. This is my time of year.... long days, long rides, camping, fun. 

Yesterday I biked 30+ miles- most of it in a nice warm rain.  Though passers-by looked at me oddly, I couldn't have been happier.

Today was 35+ miles at 84+degrees.  Call me odd, but I LOVE riding in the 80-90 degree range.  Plenty of water, shorts, and I'm on my way.

Dealing with huge physical pain.  I've a long history of back troubles, degenerative joint disease, a couple bulging disks, and add a bit of spinal arthritis to the mix and the recipe can lead to a bit of pain.

Thankfully, with my weight loss, the back episodes are fewer and far between. As nothing stronger than Motrin passes my lips, I deal as best I can, though the chronic nature of it can be mind-numbing.  The last couple days, I wanted the instant gratification and relief of unhealthy eating.  Diabetes is such a soul-sickness. I get sick, in part form a lifestyle of excesses.  When pain comes, I gravitate back to the excesses that got me sick in the first place.  Go figure.

This Too Shall Pass. 

Been busy staying healthy.  

Last week found me cycling up in VT.  What a treat.  Red barns, rolling meadows, small streams and BIG hills.  What a treat.

Big anniversary week this week.  it was 1 year ago this week that I hit my new target weight. I have kept the weight off for a year and stayed within a couple pounds of 170 since June 2007. Not sure how I feel about it. Kinda odd.  It's been allot of work, but ohhhh so worth it.

Crank the Kank Pics Are Posted>>>

There are some experiences in life that are degraded when described.  Yesterday was one of the most amazing days of my adult life. 

Close to 17 months ago, I was overweight and unhealthy. My vision was failing and my body was self destructing from glucose overload.  I was dieing a slow death and never even knew it. 

Yesterday found me completing my first ever competitive cycling event. Never one to be average, I chose an event well-known to be one of the toughest in the state of NH. Yesterday's 24th annual Crank the Kanc had a new participant- yours truly.

To offer a bit of perspective on the race- it's a 21 mile hill climb race to the summit of the Kancamagus Highway in the heart of the White Mountain National Forest. Starting in North Conway, the race route climbs steadily for 16 miles only to change dramatically as the last 5 miles are best described as Vertical Hell. A couple of folks asked me prior to the event if I had any idea as to the degree of difficulty. Biking 20 miles most every day, I knew I was in decent shape. 

Little did I know what I was in for.

My goals were threefold. First, I wanted to complete the event. Second, it was my hope to beat the 2 hour mark and lastly, I wanted to not be last place  in my age group. 

Crossing the finish line just before 11:00 AM at close to 3,000 feet above sea level, my time was 1 hour, 30 minutes. Better still, I was in the top one third of my age group.  Not bad for a true newcomer to a semi-professional cycling event.

The first fifteen to sixteen miles saw about a thousand foot vertical uphill transition passing rolling rivers and streams. I held back- well knowing that the last few miles would take all I had to to give. A couple of riders passed me.... and I passed several more. Life was good, the sun was out and I was smiling. Keeping my pace, without killing myself, I felt pretty good about the event. 

There is a stretch of road that is close to level at the 15 mile mark. At this point, you can literally look up and see the mountains looming in front of you. To my right, Mount Washington loomed with is snow covered peak... a not so gentle reminder that I "wasn't in Kansas anymore."

At mile 16, the real ascent started. The first mile or two of the Final Five were pretty uneventful. I passed several more cyclists including a couple that had passed me. Ever watchful in my Jeep, my honey and her daughter cheered me on at most every pull-off. Without this support, I would probably not have made it. Knowing that my mom and dad were up at 3,000' awaiting my finish helped drive me forward.

A well placed sign announced that three miles were left till the finish. The last three miles can best be described as torturous. I reached in and grabbed a handful of guts and kept pushing forward. Alternating between standing on my pedals for the added push, to setting in for a few easy strokes in my lowest gear, the hill was unrelenting. Feeling like Frodo climbing Mt. Doom, ready to cast the Ring into the Fires of Mordor, I pushed on. My body screamed at every passing minute. Just when I thought I could go no further, another burst of energy coursed through my veins. Tears and sweat. Sweat and tears- I pushed onward. My legs screamed out at the "2 miles to finish marker" that they were done. I shut off the body/mind connection and retreated deep into myself, the pain like a dream I was watching from afar and I pushed on. The next mile seemed to take days to pass, though my watch ticked off mere minutes. Anguish and pain. Heartbreak and sweat. And I pushed on.

I suspect most all of us have an inner strength we are unaware of. That inner reservoir of courage and determination to win that reveals itself only when fate and circumstance (and a really tough ride) calls for it to reveal itself. 

At the "1 Mile to Go" sign, everything changed. Gone was the fear. Gone was the anxiety. Swept away on a pure "will to win", I found the strength to offer up a small sprint to the finish. Crossing the finish line, my mom, dad and soul mate cheering me on, was indescribable. Awash with emotion, I took a moment to gaze into the valley below. I had conquered. The intent was never to be a top contender. The real race was against myself- I was my biggest competitor. I said a quiet prayer of thanks on shaky legs and joined up with my family again. 

What have I learned? 

I learned that you don't need to come in first to win. Yesterday I won.

I learned that family is precious. Nothing much matters without people close to you that love you unconditionally.

I learned that I have capabilities beyond when I could ever envision. 

I learned that it's OK to set your sights high- you just might make it

After catching my breath and regrouping for thirty minutes of so on top of the course, it was time to make our way back into civilization and out of the woods. I had two choices. I could have strapped my bike to the back of my Jeep and drive down.

Or...

I could take the ride of my life... down a couple thousand vertical feet on my bike. 

You know what else I learned?

I learned that soaring down a mountain at 45 mile per hour on a bicycle feels like riding in the front seat of the worlds most exciting roller coaster. 

And yes, I giggled most all the way down.

2008 Crank the Kanc Photos

I sit in stunned amazement tonight.

Tomorrow is my first competitive event.

A 21 mile bike race up to 3,000 feet in the mountains.

Three words: I am ready.

Wish me luck.

 D~

It's been close to 17 months since my diagnosis.  For the most part, I am settling into my new life.  There are times, however, that the prospect of "maintaining" for the rest of my life is simply overwhelming. 

Those who know me well know that I am predictably positive. But I need to share that I grow weary sometimes. The reality is this: staying healthy is allot of work. I am committed to my 1 hour + daily workout on my bike... and I've eaten enough freakin' lettuce in the last year to feed 1,000 bunnies for a lifetime. My poor fridge is a stronghold for carrots, and all kinds of fat-free, low carb, non-processed food. 

Yeah, I am a tad down today. I'd rather lay in the sun at lunch that ride... I'd rather have a burger for lunch than a salad... and Oh, oh oh.... to delight in regular chocolate is a well-kept secret.

Why do I share this? If you read more of my blog, you'll see that I move forward, day by day, pretty happily. But I also am a realist. No ever day is Christmas, nor Thanksgiving. All passes.  Even the strongest have weak moments. I'll read this post in a few months and smile.... cuz I will say something like... "it passed....." or 'you can't appreciate the sunshine without the showers"... you get the idea.

Saturday is my very first competitive  cycling event- ever.  21 miles uphill. Yeah, I gotz some fear kicking around.  Last year, I read an article about the event and thought, "I could NEVER do that". What a diff a year makes.

More later.  I need to get back to work.

Today was my second Tour de Cure. It's a tad after 9:30PM and I am more than a bit weary.

In the last 16 months, I have been on approximately 500 bike rides. That in itself is amazing. I have covered over 6,000 miles on my bike. Again - amazing.

Nothing could have prepared me for today.

I regularly ride 20-30 miles daily with ease.  My speed is a pretty consistent 17 MPH for this.  I am about as predictable as sunrise. I had expected today's event to be a 3 hour fun ride along the NH coast. First mistake- expecting anything!

The day dawned with a light drizzle and temps in the 40's. By mid-morning, the weather had deteriorated to a heavy rain with wind. Not ideal riding weather. As a perpetual optimist, I quipped early on with a few fellow rides that we were lucky it wasn't snowing, no lightning, etc, etc. 

Disaster stuck with 38 miles left on my rife.  I had a shift cable snap leaving me two options.  I could either call it a race, or push forward in high gear as shifting was rendered impossible. Never one to balk at a challenge, I rode on. Suffice to say, it was grueling. By mid AM, I was tired beyond description, my legs were shot and the rain and wind had pummeled the warmth out of me and all the other riders. A poorly marked course intersection found several of us taking a wrong turn- the net result changing my 50 mile trek into a 68 mile ordeal. In the rain, in the cold, minds numbed, all roads look alike on the NH coast. 

Weariness demands brevity tonight, but suffice to say, I completed the event in a bit over 4 hours. Entering the staging area after the event, it became quite clear how tough an event it really was.  Support drivers had spent the AM picking up riders suffering from hypothermia, 'space blankets' were wrapped around many of the riders who struggled to warm up... and most everyone had a tale to tell.

Funny thing about being an optimist- I am glad the day unfolded as it did. I discovered some new things about myself. I am a determined soul as I was willing to go to just about any lengths to complete the event. I am also in better shape that I realized as I was able to drive forward with truly Herculean effort to bang out almost 40 MILES in high gear. 

Not one to lose sight of the cause, I found a riding companion for my last 15 miles. It was nice to have someone to chat with to distract me from the pain. I suspect he felt the same. He as the captain of a team. Sadly, his entire team pulled a no-show because of the weather. He was a Team of One. At one point during our time shared on the road, he left me know that seven years ago, his dad died from complications of diabetes. 

I pedaled on in sullen silence for a mile or two. I am one of the lucky ones. I beat diabetes.  

In another day and age, it could have been my son riding in a similar event, sharing that he lost his dad to diabetes.  

Am I grateful? You bet ya!

WOW.  Time seems to have slipped away.  The Tour de Cure is this Sunday and my 1st competitive event is in 3 weeks.  Unbelievable how time flies. Last Saturday found me feeling a huge sense of physical, emotional and spiritual empowerment.  It was a jewel of a day in central NH as I hiked with 3 of my sons to the 2,200 summing of Mt. Percival.  It was a bit funny to watch my kids weary towards the end of the climb.. as I was ready to hike another mountain.  I LOVE being in shape. (Thank you Diabetes). After dropping off my 15 year old, i did what as only natural-- I biked for 20 plus miles. Go figure. Yesterday was the fist time in months I actually felt a little sore. So I took it easy for a slow 15 miler. Yes, everything has changed.  All is good. I need to jump on a bit of a fundraiser blitz as I want to double last years contribution to the ADA. Wish me luck! Off to Central FL for the rest of the week.  

Where to start.... Those who know me know that I have a passion for life... and love to have fun at the same time. Last night was.. well.. nothing short of one of the funnest times I think I've ever had-- ever.

My honey and I had tix to another Third Eye Blind show.  Unlike some of our other shows, this one was actually local. We took the 20 minute drive up to Manchester to the Southern NH University field house for the show. Never one to be patient in line, about 20 minutes into our wait, I nudged Sarah, asked for her camera, and trusted an odd hunch. 

A few minutes earlier, I had spotted the tour busses behind the field house. Camera in hand, I took the long way around, away from the thousand (or more) young kids in line, and began my trek 'round back. I have a bit of history with the Band and I am developing a couple of fan websites and have had a bit of email dialog with several band members.

Cruising around the back of the field house on foot, was I ever stunned to see Tony and Leo step from the tour bus to take she short walk to the back stage entrance.

"Hey Tony," I called out as I walked by.  Again, a bit of surprise here as he came up, asked me if we had met, and shook my hand. When I let him know that I was 'the web guy" he had been emailing with, the ice broke, and we had a nice little chat. As he and Leo started toward the stage entrance, and not wanting to wear out my welcome, I thanked him and asked for a quick picture. Surprise 2.0 came when he asked me to follow him an Leo into the building. Walking down the back hall, chatting away with both of them, the scene went from real to surreal in.. well, 2 heartbeats. As I've only had 3 hours sleep, exhaustion demands brevity tonight. The elevator version--- I was introduced by Tony to a number of folks as "one of the new 3eb web guys...",  next up, T hooked me and Sarah up with all-access passes and invited us to hand around for the aftershow.  We had the opportunity to have a meet and greet with Stephen, Tony, Brad, and Leo. Had it not been for the fact that it was a Sunday night, we would have stayed later than our 12:30 cut-off time.  

So, this is supposed to be a diabetes website. What does any of this have to do with diabetes?  Keep in mind this site is called LIVING With Diabetes.  In the time that has passed since last years diagnosis,  I've certainly done allot of living. Need proof?  Read more of my blog below. 

Diabetes diagnosis need not be an end.  I prefer to look at it as a beginning- the beginning of what time has shown to be the healthiest part of my life. So far.  ;-) 

Only four weeks till the 2008 Tour de Cure.  Only 6 weeks till Crank the Kank, my 21 mile hill climb. Been trekking 15-30 miles a day. Tis late. I'm tired. That's it for tonight.

I took a leap of faith a month ago.  When I started my journey to wellness, I also started journaling everything I ate. As my old ways of doing things proved ineffective, and much of what I read immediately after my diagnosis spoke of how effective food journaling was, I took it to heart and wrote... and wrote... and wrote some more.

With spiral binder in tow, I noted everything I ate, assigned a calorie count to it, and wrapped up every day with my calculator tabulating my tabular totals (say that 5 times fast..;-)

Ever the goal setter, I wanted to be able to stand on my own... (well, more like east on my one) by September of last year. September came and went and the thought of dropping the binder scared my.  Yeah, I know that sounds odd.  But the reality is this- I was diagnosed with a potentially life-threatening illness and was still driven, at least in part, by fear.

A little over a month ago, I made the decision to stop journaling my food.  I still weigh in every day and log my exercise.  I fully expect to do that for life. In truth, I don't mind.  I am now into Month Two without journaling and my weigh is unchanged.  Here is the critical point--- I am feeling like I have truly trained myself to "eat like a normal person." Again, this may sound weird, but the reality is that my diabetes was causes, at least in part, by my weight. I need to share that I feel empowered by this.  Amazingly so.

'Nuff said on food. In six weeks, I have my first competitive cycling event.  I probably noted it in an earlier post, but it's getting close.  An amazing 21 miles UP HILL to a  summit close to 3,000 feet. Do I have some fear?  You betcha. I've already asked my mom and dad to be at the finish line.  Just knowing this will drive me forward, I suspect.

Monday, Monday.. time to get to 'real work..."

Year Two. Amazing. It's been almost 15 months since I was diagnosed. I am going to try to include in my occasional blog posts more tips about living with diabetes.  Seems I've drifted over the last few months to posting about life.  Not a bad thing, mind you-- as I am able to live my life in a way i never dreamed possible.

I am getting tired of all the weight loss commercials I see on TV.  I was at my son's basketball game yesterday and it hit me... as I looked around the gym, most everyone there was.. well, lest I be accused of being politically incorrect-- most everyone there was hefty. I felt like a bit of a minority. (not that I minded...;-) 

I've got news for you. There is only one simple recipe to weight loss.  Yup. One simple fact that can change lives. If I burn more calories than I eat, I'll lose weight. Pretty simple concept. If my calorie count exceeds what I burn, I gain weight. Again- pretty simple concept.   

Today's Tip- When I head to my local market, I intentionally park in one of the further parking spaces. I can be a tad analytical, but here's some simple math. If I'm at the market 3x weekly (my current schedule) and I add a total of 100 steps per trip, I've added 15,600 steps a year. One Small Step for David, One Giant Step for Mankind. 

It's late (or early).

I DID IT. 

Yup, I just registered fro my first competitive cycling event of my life. On May 17, 2008, I'll "Crank the Kanc"...a 21 mile hill climb in the heart of the White Mountains.  I an excited and scared. Registration opened 15 minutes ago and there is a course limit of 200 cyclists. How could I not wait up for this?

My spot is reserved.  Fourteen months ago, in the turmoil following my diagnosis, never, ever, ever in my wildest dreams could I have envisioned this.  I'm seeing double with weariness.  Off to bed.

Oh, I was duly diligent... cycling 20 miles today.

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What a whirlwind two weeks it's been.  Last year, when I was diagnosed with diabetes, I thought my life as I knew it was over.  Time and circumstance has now shown this to be true. Gone are the days of trying to stuff myself into too small pants.  Gone is the Buddha Belly. Gone is the failing vision. Gone is the almost perpetual discomfort of being significantly overweight. 

The life presented to me post-diagnosis is beyond what I ever imagined. Don't get me wrong, it's been allot of work, but worth every mile that I've walked/cycled/hiked. Worth every time I passed on the chocolate cake. I have reinvented myself.  Funny thing- I've posted this before, but last year, with my 80 pound weight loss, I went through a "who the heck am I' period.  I see the new me in pictures and not recognize my face. I'd pass a mirror while walking through a store and not know who I was.  It was one of the most surreal experiences of my adult life. Knock knock. Who's there?  Beats the heck out of me.

Time has seen the tables turn. I have what I fondly cal a "fat pic" hanging on my fridge. It's a picture of the former hefty me sitting in a dining room in WDW. Taken when I was close to 250 lbs, I get the same feeling now when I look at my former self. Who was that guy? I suppose this is all part of my progression into wellness. Fourteen months ago, my life as I knew it ended. Man o' man, am OI glad it did.

The last two weeks have seen me on the road twice for 4 day get-aways. One with my honey to central Florida and the second trip with my 12 year old son to DC. 

While the memories are still fresh.... in the last two weeks, I have seen/experienced...

• Walking hand in hand barefoot with my honey on a sandy Florida beach for a couple hours just doin' nutin.
  
•  
•  

• Beholding the real Declaration of Independence, Constitution and our Bill of Rights. 
  

• Seeing live alligators in the wild.
  

• Watching live Bottlenose Dolphins breach the surface with light speed.

• Walking side by side with my son up the stairs in the Lincoln Memorial at nighttime. Such a place of reverence and awe!
  

• Seeing manatees eating their daily lunch of iceberg lettuce.

• Watching (another) live Third Eye Blind in Universal studios with a couple thousand of my closest friends, singing at the top of my lungs like no one was watching, and not caring if they did.

• Playing "wrestling" in a warm pool with my son for hours at a time until our skin was as wrinkled as an elder.
• Riding one of the Top 5 Roller Coasters in the world- Kraken... flipping upside down seven times and emerging from the seat covered in sweat from the adrenaline!

• Taking the elevator ride to the top of the Washington Monument- 555'5" high. Amazing!

• Touring the US Capital Building and Rotunda being in the same place where so much history has happened.

• Taking a "wicked fast" ride on an airboat through a Central Florida Swamp watching egrets, Bald Eagles and gators in the wild!

• Walking around World Showcase Lagoon at night with my sweetie.... hand in hand. 

All this life packed into a couple of short weeks. A little over a year ago, I thought my life as I knew it was over. It was. Am I grateful?  You Betcha!

Mary Jo died on Sunday.  I talked to her hubbie Leo tonight.  Next week for services in FL. April will see a local service here in NH. More tears. 

20 miles today. I gout caught in a bit of a snow squall. Like the locals say, "only in New England" as yesterday was a 15 miler in a light rain at a most delicious almost 60 degrees.

Getting back on track with the food. The last few days have seen me at 168-169.  Good weight, good food, nice riding.

Short post tonight. I am drained.

Been struggling with the food plan/weight for a couple weeks.  Funny thing.  I have been trying to figure out where to categorize my diabetes.

Am I cured? Is is gone? I heard a tem on the radio a couple weeks ago that hit home. "Diabetic  remission" was the phrase used. It rings true for me. My diabetes is asleep inside of me, yet it lurks, quietly waiting.

I had a small cut on my hand last week that took a little time to heal.  Funny thing. 1/8 inch of cut, 2 days of concern.  My weight was a comfortable 169 this AM, my last test came back at something like a 106. By all outward signs, I am well. By the cut brought me back emotionally to last year. It's since healed, but it was funny how fast I jumped to a diabetic conclusion. The reality is that sometimes folks get cuts.  Pretty simple.

My friend Mary Jo is losing her battle with cancer, in fact, she may have passed yesterday. What a lesson in courage as cancer took her away bit by bit over the last few years.

I rode a 20 miler yesterday, much of it in tears.  Reminiscent of the rides after Chris died last year, it hit me that I've done allot of mourning whilst I cycle. It's probably a healthy outlet.

Similar to the window of pain after Chris died, yesterday found me with a level of awareness not my own.

Revealed to me....

       Soon to be Released… she is.

       She stepped across the line,
        Souls, they gathered in glorious anticipation,
        Of her coming home.
        Awaiting the glory of reunion.

        Wait, I'm not done.
        I'm tired and weary,
        But n'er expected this day to come
        So fast, so soon.
        Soon to be released

        He took her hand,
        Together they crossed,
        Rest now, from all you've done.
        Soon to be released.

       We are all soon to be released.

I came home from my ride and penned this in about 10 minutes. I will miss her.

It's so weird to think that I am now comfortably into Year Two since my diagnosis.  I've struggled over the last few days as I go through times where I just don't want to play the diabetic game any longer. It's been three weeks since I tested.... and today came back at a pretty OK 113. I ran out of strips and was in no rush to refill as I have to pay for them.  Sadly, I don't have the luxury of living in Nederland.  

I had a bit of "I want to stamp my feet and not play" on a trip home from my parents house on Wednesday.  It was well past lunchtime... and we were on a stretch of road with not much of anything for 30 miles.  We stopped at a Dunkins, Sarah got a really nice flatbread sandwich, whilst I simply started at the menu board, filled with self-pity that there were no healthy choices.  At leasst at a McDonald's, I have the option of a salad.  Not so here. I sulked most of the way home.. hungry, emotionally tired from a Wake, and hungry. This seems to have set the tone for a couple days. This too shall pass.  

I am pretty optimistic by nature... and  a down day or two is any good mans luxury.

One word.

WOW.

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21.3 miles today. My ride took me through a Robert Frost wonderland that included snow-covered rolling farmland, rock walls defining long-gone pastures and cows grazing on meager sprouts poking through the snow.

Thank God for chemical hand/foot warmers as I was toasty. Folks passing by in heaters autos cast sideways glances at the oddly timed cyclist, with nary the knowledge that I was probably warmed than they were.

Time marches on.  RIP Paul Dorian.

D~

Just got back from the movies.  Only half a popcorn-- no candy. It gets easier. 

I ran out of text strips last week.  Not sure if I've shared this, but I have a catastrophic health plan.  My yearly deductible is $5,000.00. That being said, all of my care expenses this year have been out-of-pocket. Strips are EXPENSIVE and I've not had a reading over 115 in over 6 months.  Of course, I'll bite the bullet for more strips.. but it's still nice to dream non-diabetic dreams.

13.4 miles today. Biking... in January... in New Hampshire.  

I just got back from a 13 miler. I still find it odd to bike in January in New Hampshire. The last few days has found me wrapping myself up on a cloak of sadness. Suffice to say, the winter blues suck. It was nice to be out spinning my wheels today.  Really nice. Wintery landscapes sliding by, rivers running black through monochromatic snowscapes. Such is the outdoor world in January. 

If you'd asked me last fall if I'd still be biking in January, I would have simply chuckled. Who's laughing now?

In the spirit of trying to remain positive, here is Today's Bright Spot:

How nice to bike at 28 degrees! At 28 degrees, the streets stay DRY as the snow sits listlessly by the wayside.

Well, it's been a week of extremes.

We hit over 60 degrees mid-week. Simply put, how can you not ride when it's like that?  We have three back to back warm days. I did three back to back 20+ mile rides.  Surrealism reigns supreme.  Biking in shorts along RT 111, I looked to my right and watched snowmobiles whiz by.  I must have looked odd... not biking mind you, but laughing.

       Click the Enlarge

This last week has found me struggling again bit time with the weight loss. Funny thing, when I was Big Dave (a nickname used by many folks I knew) I always longed to not be fat.  Let's face it, 250 pound, 5'10" is not a small build.

With the total weigh loss being approximately 80 pounds, my appearance has changed dramatically. I made the comment to my honey that I would be glad when I finally saw everyone I know-so I could stop answering the constant questions. I've written about this before, but this part of my tale bears retelling.  I can now walk right past someone I know who hasn't seen me in a while and they have NO IDEA who I am.  It used to be funny.  It's not anymore.

I went for a couple of months without seeing anyone that I hadn't seen for a while.  Seems that I know more people than I realize. I need to be honest, the last few weeks have been tough.  In the last few weeks, I've had a family member I hadn't seen in a year take a look at me and laugh, and laugh, and laugh.... hysterically. Calling me 'scrawny', this insensitive young man of 17 had no idea he his a nerve that went from my ears directly to my soul. We can add to this mix a well-intentioned friend who asked if I had cancer.  "It was the hat." he said, that made him wonder. (yeah, right...).  As the steamroller continued it's 2 week run, I ran into a buddy I hadn't seen in a year. He came up to me and introduced himself to me.  I went along with what I though was a joke... but the joke was on me. He had no idea who I was.  Tired of answering questions, I introduced myself too him, and promptly walked away. There was yet another similar event. My doc says I am healthy.  My honey suggested I work out to build up some bulk.. and I am left with a spinning head. 

Yes, the diabetes is gone.  My last test last week came it at a healthy 106. I can bike 25 miles and barely break a sweat, and I am unquestionably in the best physical shape of my life. But I am changed. Life has changed. I can feel both empowered and diminished at the same time. I can be thrilled with my new life and mourn my past like in two ticks of a clock. I am changed.

"I keep on forgetting myself, I keep on forgetting myself. Who am I? We both don't know" 3eb

And what a week it's been. In no particular order...

# An amazing sunrise greeted me this morning.  The sky was an amazing blend of pinks, oranges, blues.  I took some extra time and took the long way home after dropping the kids off at school. Like life itself, colorful sunrises are both magnificent as well as fleeting. 

# Wednesday was the one year anniversary of my diagnosis. What a year it's been.  The day can best be described as one of gratitude.  My doc let me know all is well after last weeks scare. I was actually able to roll out on several 10+ mile bike rides in the last week. Life = good.

# Yesterday saw me biking 10 miles at 8 degrees.  Passionate or crazy?  I'll let you decide.  I was actually quite comfortable.  I dress for success.  Lots of layers and chemical glove warmers. Yeah, that's the ticket.

# I was in DC for several days with my sweetie over the last few days. We did all of the typical tourist stuff.... White House, Smithsonian Museums, Lincoln Memorial and the like. I think allot these days. In fact, more than I used to. Every American should be required to visit DC at least once. 

# I am no longer an undecided NH voter. My choice is my choice, but rest assured I will be voting next week. Iowa caucused last night. Though it was a record breaking turnout, 75% of all eligible Democrats elected NOT  to participate.  In excess of 80% or Republicans made the same choice. Is it just me, or is that not pathetic? People have fought and dies so we as Americans can vote, yet most Americans view voting as a spectator sport.  These forks are probably the most outspoken complainers as well. By voting next Tuesday, I exercise a right that most people in the world don't have- I can participate in a Democracy.

# I am now in year two as a diabetic. With the colder weather and frequent snowfalls, I have had to walk many nights as biking simply isn't practical. It's during these walks that I realize how fare I've come.  Last winter found me walking as an overweight man... huffing and puffing at every turn.  This winter finds me in the best physical shape of my life, marveling at the changes.  I have hit my stride in ongoing weight management very rarely deviating from my target range of 165-170. I am still shocked at wearing 32's. Go figure. 

Sometimes I'm not sure where to 'place' my diabetes. My doc congratulated me for 'beating it", while just today, my CDE called it "well-controlled". I guess it's not as clear cut as being pregnant.

I had a few metric tons of fear dropped me.  Next week will find me celebrating my one year "dia-birthday." January 2nd to be exact.  So, why the fear? Yesterday AM found me passing out and hitting the floor like a rock.  Passing out is such an odd sensation.

"Hey, watch out, the floor is coming at you fast!" 

Not even a slo-mo, clocks ticking at half speed event. I watched through eyes fading as the floor rushed up at me. Surrealistic? You bet. Like falling off a truck, I went down hard. Who's that a-falling? My oh my, it's me! The short version today as verbosity has left the building- I have an appointment with my doc tomorrow.

The pendulum, it swings.  All aboard, matey as this ship is rocking. 

"And I'd know what to do if I just knew what's coming"  3eb

First cardio in a week.  Yes, I've been walking most every day, but today's balmy 40 degrees simply demanded a ride.  15+ miles of pure, unadulterated cycling bliss.

Nice to jump off the retail bandwagon and onto a saddle.

Yesterday found me at a holiday get together with my mom an dad.  I ate like Fat David.  Damage control today.

Next random thought...

My dia-birthday is at the end of next week.  One year since my diagnosis. Not sure how I feel. Suffice to say, it's been a year of years.

Next random thought...

I've been a-retailing. Tra la la la, la la la. For the most part, I am pretty much used to the new me.  My "healthy zone" is 165-170 lbs these days. I need to be as careful about going too low as I do going too high. Funny thing- I really don't see much of myself. Sure, I get up, hop in my shower, shave, etc. The last week, I've been struggling with the "who am I" syndrome again.  I've seen my reflection in store mirrors, plate glass windows, and the like- more than I have in months. I know most folks would be thrilled to be down 80+ pounds, but it's still quite surrealistic.  I was at my local bookstore this AM.  A clerk who used to be the barrister now worked in the book side of Barnes and Noble.  I asked him about a particular title and offered a Merry Christmas to him.  I swear, he had no idea who I was.

"who am I? We both don't know...."  3eb

Light rain and four miles. Walking in the cold, treading upon ice covered roads. Dark. 

Winter tests my determination. Not one ever fond of the cold, I count the days until the warmth returns. Misplaced at birth, the cold and dark of New England winters are not my friends. They are Constant Companions, ever reminding me of their presence.

In a pointless effort to brush the water off my coat, I discovered I was ice-encrusted. The light rain falling had frozen in a fine layer, encasing me in its frigid grip. Passing houses lit with Christmas lights shouting of a holiday cheer that escaped me, I watched in fascination as the light reflected off my ice armor. Prismatic reflections and sparkles. Like wearing a starlit sky, I trekked onward. Shimmering shafts of light catching my eye at every turn.

Mindful of the stars above the overcast, I traveled through time and space. We all do, you know. Most don't give thought to the concept that from the passing of one breath to another, we are time travelers. Life repeats. Patterns repeat. We repeat. Millions of miles away, stars shimmered. Walking through my winter landscape, I shimmered. We repeat. Billions of years ago, all the matter that is came into being. Many decades ago, the matter that is me came into being. Convergence of energy, time, space and circumstance. We repeat. Like tall and dark sentinels, the pine trees that lined may route came to be. Matter repeats. Matter from past souls, intertwined by the Constant Creator could well be within their branches. There will come a time that all that I am will come to pass. No morbid walk down Melancholy Lane. Simply a truism. In a hundred years, will someone pass the same paths I did tonight, stare skyward and contemplate their own place in the Universal Reality? Will the matter that defines me today be part of the landscape pondered by One Not Yet Born? I can only hope.

I have been given the Gift of a New Life. All has changed. I have changed. 

Life repeats.

Disney, Holiday and a Tale of Two Walks....

Late yesterday, Nick and I landed at Manchester after four days of fun and sun. Disney was as fun as ever with sunny 80+ degree weather.  Realistically, how can you not enjoy Disney?

I've become a bit of an exercise junkie.. and am always planning my next ride/walk/hike, etc, etc.  Knowing I would be home after dark yesterday, I split a four mike walk into (2) tow milers.

Walk one was in Orlando.  Sunny, 75 degrees, 730AM, walking under palm trees, listening to the wind in the palms, watching a couple of hot air balloons drift on the horizon. Shorts and a Disney tee. Who could ask for more?

Enter walk two. 6:30PM, back here in NH, pitch dark, multiple layers of clothes to keep the frostbite at bay, and ice under my feet.

My life at times is a bit too surrealistic. Such was the case yesterday. Four miles, two climate zones, and a 50 degree temperature drop.

Guess which walk I liked more?

Guess again.

I am NOT a cold lover. But last nights walk let me know that I was truly committed to staying well. You see, it's one thing to walk when it's easy. It's an entirely different ballgame to walk when it's harder. It was a tangible, in my face reminder of how far I've come.  Life is good.

Onward... next topic....

I need to share that I ate like a pig in Disney.  Yes, I had Caesar Salads for lunch when I could, sure, I had soup on occasion.... but I enjoyed the hell out of a couple Mickey's Premium Bars, chocolate covered peanuts, a fair share of candy and sweets, add a dash or tow of fudge- and I felt like Willie Wonka. 

I am learning.

I am learning that it is OK to splurge a bit on vacation... as long as it doesn't lead to a lapse of my commitment.

I am learning....

That life not need be rigid and inflexible.  Sure, there is black and white. But there is also gray.

So, tonight found me walking for four miles in the cold and dark on icy roads. I was bundled up, my MP3 player churning out 3Eb.... and like the Elves in a good Tolkien tale, I walked in twilight, my body here in NH... but my spirit soared under a warm trade wind and the echo's of yesterday's palms soothed my soul.

Well, we had our first significant snowfall of the year yesterday. While many folks looked out their windows in wonder at the season's first snow, I battled with a bit of dread. My daily cycling has become such a part of stating well, the thought of winter caused more than a bit of dread.  Sure, I can go back to my daily/nightly walks like last winter, but there is just something more fun about spinning along at 18MPH.  Yesterday found me with no exercise to log.  Yes, fear can still creep in.  I well know that it was not laziness or sloth that kept me in.  It was SNOW.  Still, the dread hung ominously over me.

Today.   11.3 miles.  Biking on the dry stretches of road.. being ever mindful of the ice.  Ya know what? It was a blast.  Both my MP3 players died last week, so I got to listen to the sounds of the wind, the rustle of the last few oak leaves clinging to the Bastions of Fall, while a wintery landscape passed by. At 22 degrees, I know know that as long as the roads permit, I can ride this winter. Three words.  Am I crazy?

WOW.  Almost a year since my diagnosis. What a year it's been. From the absolute mortal terror when I was first diagnosed to the AMAZING life I have today. Whoever would have thought I would be where I am today! Amazing. 

"what a long, strange trip it's been"  -Jerry Garcia

Random thoughts....

I have a cold and tested this AM.  I was a 110. Funny thing- I wasn't happy.  Don't get me wrong.  I have a couple of friends with diabetes who would kill for a 110.  I trend for the upper 90's, lower 100's when all is well, so it's a bit high for me. I am attributing it to being sick. In August when Christopher died, I ran high for over a month. Stress, illness can effect my bottom line. Welcome to my new reality.

Next random thought-- cold weather biking. The last couple of days found me pounding out back-to-back 20 milers. I was out of town last weekend and found that I have a tough time sticking to a healthy meal plan when traveling. Yesterday found me biking under ominous gray November clouds that seemed to be taunting me that winter is coming fast. With temps in the 30's during my ride, and plenty of time on my hands, I did what I do best- I thought. And thought. And thought some more. It won't be long until I need to HEAT my water bottle before a ride to keep it from freezing. How's that for funny? I churned up a fresh batch of Crystal Lite lemonade before my ride.  My water bottle started at room temperature and by the time I finished my ride, it was icy cold. Yes, I laughed at that one.  I even pondered. Yup. Pondered- wondering whether a Thermos of hot coffee would fit in my drink holder. It's mid-November and I'm still out spinning my wheels, so we'll see how long this run can last. 

Next up-- Thanksgiving is next week. As I learn more about how food has contributed to my diabetes, I am painfully away of what I now thing of as 'food holidays'. We can start with Easter with its abundance of chocolate.... How about Halloween with candy excesses? Thanksgiving is one of the holidays that simply screams of excess. Thank God for the Day at a Time life I live. Today is Tuesday. Thanksgiving is a week from Thursday.  I'll just take care of today. Life dark clouds on the horizon, and the sound of distant thunder, I am aware that it's coming.

I am feeling verbose today.  ;-0

By the numbers:

10 - It was 10 months ago tomorrow that I Googled my symptoms and found out I was diabetic. 

3500+  How many miles I have biked year to date

4100+  How many Americans were diagnosed with diabetes TODAY.

2 - How many feet I still have.  Not all diabetics are as lucky.

175,000 - How many calories I have burned biking this year. (wow)

Long day today. Funny thing.  I am a bit blindsided by Halloween this year.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE chocolates and treats.  Yes, I was careful today... but who can resist a Kit Kat or two? This day has left me a bit exhausted. Such is life. I still worry about the 'food holidays". Thanksgiving is on the horizon.  Thank God I am getting better at this 'day at a time' stuff. I'l just focus on my feet and let tomorrow, next week, next month take care of itself.

On a positive note, I  am back at it.. adding new entries to my online meditation book. Man o man, it feels good to be writing again.

Like the wind, I vacillate between being happy that I have a new life to live, and amazingly, still missing the ability to live with about as much reckless abandon as I am capable of these days. Worth noting, my definition of reckless abandon had changed.  These days, it's best described as a Big Mac and large fries. Speaking of which, last week found me on a road trip from Ohio back to NH.  Fourteen hours in the car, with not the healthiest of choices for food, and way, way too much time in an inactive state left me a bit road weary and vulnerable to bad choices. I sat down somewhere in New York State at a McDonalds and couldn't bring myself to order yet another Grilled Chicken Salad- so I went for the Big Mac and fries.  To the credit of McDonalds, they now put nutritional information on most all packaging. Half way through my Big Mac, I flipped over the box and saw the 580 (??) calories and the huge fat content. I have a bit of a new trick now. Without giving it a second thought, in under a 2 count, I walked over to the mc-trash can and deposited the second half of my sandwich. With under 300 calories of damage, it was the best thing to do. Funny thing- and I think I've said it before-- the 'fat guy' is still alive and kicking inside of me. 

Nice hiking in Western Maine with my Sweetie over the weekend. We took a trip up to Evans Notch, I donned the day pack, and we hiked out a few miles into the woods, had a nice picnic lunch and header back. Another experience that I would not have had had it not been for diabetes.

Last week found me out of town for a few days. I have again found that the 'fat guy' inside of me is still alive and well.  Keeping my diabetes in check requires me to 110% to my daily exercise and keeping my weight in my target range. I've found that the 165-170lb range is my 'new normal'.  I fell a bit off the healthy food diet and jumped up 4 lbs in 5 days- and out of my target range.  Diabetes (or maybe just me) has an odd mental twist as i was hit by a wave of fear when I crept over my target weight.   Monday - Wednesday found me pushing 25 miles a day biking to get back 'into the OK zone".  I am back at a comfortable 169, but oddly, I still feel shaken. Yes, as much as I can try to convince myself that I am a former diabetic, the reality hit home this week that my life is forever changed.

Fall is here. I'll be taking my daily cycle ride in a few moments.  At a chilly 44 degrees, summer is fading fast. This past week I turned 46.  This may sound crazy, but when I was first diagnosed with diabetes, I wondered how I would handle "food holidays" like Thanksgiving, Easter, my birthday.  Crazy?  Living 'a day at a time' certainly helps as I only need to focus on what's immediately in front of me.  I'll let next week, next month, next year.. take care of themselves. Yes, I had my cake and ate it too! I am a sucker for chocolate cake. As my weigh is under control, and my weekly testing coming in around a smooth 100 mg/dL, I allowed myself the luxury of a bit of extra cake.  Again, this may small like small potatoes to many, but it helps me to realize that I can still live a normal life-- even with diabetes.  Pretty amazing.  OK, off to go shiver for 15-20 miles.

------ __o
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---(_)/ (_)
* * * * * * * *

Week three since Chris died.

I have no recall of week one. Adult amnesia is a trip. Week tow was almost as much of a blur. I am worried about my kids. Normal for any parent. There is so much pain in the air. 

Two weeks ago, I had to run. As managing my diet is one of the largest parts of my ongoing diabetes management, I learned a few things along the way. I can still 'eat like fat David". I took my 12 year old up to the mountains for three days and put on 4 pounds in the process. Simply put, I didn't care. This is the 1st time since my diagnosis that I let myself go.  Ya know what?  It's OK.  I still rode 15+ miles a day and have learned that being rigid and inflexible is not how I want to live my life.  I came home, assessed the extra poundage, dropped calories a bit for a few days and was back at 168 by the end of the week. I don't drink, I don't smoke, in fact I don't do anything to excess these days ('cept maybe biking) so a couple of 'east my stress away days" are not going to kill me.

I wish this was all a bad dream I could wake up from.  RIP Chris.

And so it ended....

Over 1,000 friends and family paid tribute to Chris Macy.  If he only knew how loved he was by so many. Details of last Friday will remain with me forever. All of us touch by the events of last week are changed forever.

I struggled as I now know that I have used excessive eating as to seek solace from pain in the past. Last week found me pushing the limits of what was acceptable.  I stayed true to my daily exercise, and was MUCH relieved when this AM's blood test came back at a quite acceptable 100. My son continues to suffer. We all suffer. School starts next week and I am glad for both the distraction and structure it will bring to the kids. 

Funny thing-- my 100 mile ride was a little over a week ago, and I'm not planning my next one. I am feeling pretty healthy these days.

Things I've learned this week:

• You can't outrun grief on a bike, no matter how many miles you ride.
• It is painful to watch children grieve for the loss of one of their own.
• Sometimes life is unfair in the hand that it deals. 
• Time may be the healer of pain, but there are times that an hour can feel like a week. 

Later today, my family and I will be attending the wake and memorial service for Chris Macy. There's really not much more to say except this: I hope he is truly in a better place- and that his soul is contented. 

In Memoriam

Christopher Macy 1992-2007

With his infectious smile, Chris brought more joy and and happiness to people than he ever knew. Well known for his generous hugs, Chris was type of kid you wanted your kids to hand around with. He was also my 14 year old son's best friend.

They went from playing on the same playground together to playing in the same band. Like my son, he seemed to be walking through that difficult transition from childhood to adulthood with as much grace as he could muster.

The events of yesterday are numbing.

The call came late yesterday that Chris took his own life. A shining star was lost yesterday. I anguish over the pain my son is walking through and curse Fate for being so cruel. Chris would have started High School in two weeks. In a vain effort to outrun the pain, my 6:30 AM 16 mile ride offered no solace. The next few days are going to be immensely difficult. Job One is helping my sons. 

Chris, we are really gonna miss you, man.  

Three words.

I DID IT.

Yesterday dawned crisp and clear- and I was ready.  Ready for my 1st 100+ mile ride. My bike was tuned as was I.  I know now that a big part of the long distance endurance game resides not in the body, but in the mind. 

I dragged my youngest son out of bed at 7:30 with the smell of waffles cooking. As his mom lives around the corner, we headed out on our bikes at 8:00AM. He rode the trip to his mom's in relative comfort while my mind raced to the day ahead. After a quick goodbye, I headed North. 

My trek started in Salem, NH at 8:05AM and ended a 2:55PM in the foothills of the White Mountains just south of Conway, NH.

As it's late and I am tired, the abbreviated version will be the best I can post tonight. I found out relatively quickly, that by focusing on the finish 100 miles away, i was quickly overcome by the enormity of my endeavor. That being said, my day was defined by many, many (many) small rides. The sum total being 100.13 miles. 

I took a ride from Salem to Kingston. Following that ride, I rode from Kingston to Epping.  My next leg was Epping to Rochester. From Rochester, I headed up to Wakefield. Then on to Ossipee and finally on to my destination- Freedom NH. 

To describe the emotion tied to the day would be lose to pointless. A wellspring of emotions defined the day... with passing miles and ever-changing landscapes redefining my day. Rest breaks were common every 20 miles or so.... and God put a well-equipped gas station in my path every time I needed a pit stop of my own. 

I had the occasion to give directions to a couple of elderly ladies in Rochester and was stared at repeatedly over the course of the day as I stopped into a few stores to replenish my water supply.  Still donning my helmet, cycling glasses and ..yes, spandex, I do believe I stood out a bit on the crowds!

By the numbers:

• 100.13 miles
• Start time: 8:05AM
• Finish Time: 2:55PM
• Average Speed: 16.5
• Maximum Speed: 40.0 MPH (down Wakefield Hill)

This morning I woke refreshed and comfortable.. in fact, I took a quick 10 mile spin to prove it.  More to follow in the AM as bed calls.

I am feeling empowered.  Having come so far, I was amazed at how humbled I was by my experience. The road, the miles, the persistence needed--are all greater that I have-yet I persevered.  More later.

"The difference between the impossible and the possible lies in a person's determination."
           ~Tommy Lasorda

Seems that God has a sense of humor.  With my Hundred Mile Ride scheduled for Saturday, the weather may (or may not) cooperate.  Time will tell.

A bit of a roller coaster this week.  My goals for my blood testing are pretty, well, healthy.  Anything under 120 is considered quite healthy.  The last few months, I average 95-105 or so.  Monday this week found me at 116.  Funny thing-- I freaked. I tested again Tuesday AM and was at a comfortable 93.  I still carry allot of fear over this. Sometimes I wonder whether I race forward to stay ahead of the fear.

More ponderings by the Endless Ponderer.

My biggest single phobia is snakes. As Indiana Jones said, "snakes, why did it have to be snakes."

In my 1,500 plus miles on my bike, I have had one fatality.  Three weeks ago, a squirrel committed suicide under my spinning tires. He sat quietly by the side of the road awaiting the approach of the next wheeled vehicle. Sadly, it was me on my bike. I don't want to get into the gory details, but I never though road-kill from a bike was a remote possibility.

Today found me spinning my wheels at 25MPH or so. Moving to the left of what I perceived to be a piece of rope or wire, wasn't I surprised to see it strike out at my ankle as I passed. Yes, it was a snake in the road.  And yes, I yelled audibly. My hands are shaking at the very thought of it. As I am heading to bed soon, I need to get off this topic.

3 Days till the Big Ride.

------ __o
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---(_)/ (_)
* * * * * * * *

Sunday Am and I've already got a 15 mile ride behind me.  Life is good. When I got back on a bike this spring, I set a lofty goal of taking the 100+ mile to my folks house by August of 2008. 

Three words....

Plans have changed.

If all goes well, and Mother Nature cooperates, I'll be taking the trek next Saturday. As i spun my wheels today, my mind made 'ride plans'... what I would take for the trip, the route I would take, etc, etc. 

When I was 14 years old, I completed the same 100 miler on an old Schwinn Varsity 10 Speed.  A 46 pound behemoth of a bike, the trip started at 6:25AM and found me up North at 3:15 in the afternoon. Approximately 103 miles in 9.5 hours. Who ever would have thought that I would even be contemplating the same trip at 45 years old. My goal is to beat at 45 years old the time that I did at 14 years old.  Actually, maybe I should strive to just complete the ride  ;-) 

UPDATE-- My ride computer keeps track of total miles to date.  Yesterday I crossed the 1,500 mile mark. Unbelievable.

I need to share that I have a bit of angst at the mere thought of biking from southern NH up to the foothills of the White Mountains in single day. I suppose anxiety is normal. 

On a serious note, yesterday found me at my local garden center. As a 'regular' there, I am recognized when I stop by. In speaking with one of the owners, the subject of diabetes came up. The owner shared that she had lost her mom to complications from diabetes a few month ago. She went on, in quite graphic detail, about the physical challenges she had... blindness, heart problems and more. According to the ADA, close to 60% of folks can keep their diabetes in remission with diet and exercise alone.  Man o' man, am I grateful that I am in the 60% category. I will be forever grateful for this.

I was just thinking how odd it sound to say to someone, "I was out earlier today for an easy 20 mile bike ride." Sure, this sounds normal to me, but I suspect there are more than a couple of folks to whom this may sound bizarre. 

'Nuff said on that. The seven month anniversary of my diagnosis is fast approaching. As I was taking my easy 20 miler this morning, I did allot of thinking.  Sometimes I ride, wind in my face, enjoying the joy and freedom of the ride.  Other times I think. And think.  And think some more.

Today I thought.

Life has changed. Mostly for the good, but it has changed.  The freedom of living to excess without though or ponderance of consequence is past. Though most of the time, I have come to terms with diabetes, I am not always at peace with it. Last week found me telling my son I was heading out for a ride.  As work has been demanding allot of my time, it was an 'inconvenience' to break away from the middle of my day for an hour.  But I did it. I was begrudged by it, and did not ride with a light heart, but I did it. I am unsure as to weather this is because of the strength of my commitment to get well, or a decision to move forward with fear pushing me along. In the final analysis, it matters not as I did what I needed to do.

Back to today's ride.  One of my 'think sessions' was about this site.  I'll be adding a section called Winners & Losers over the next few days. I have seen both in my quest to wellness. No more detail on the new section as if I shares all that would be there, there would be no reason to visit the section.

That's it for tonight.

Well, it hit me tonight that I need to add a Tips & Tricks section to this site.

I sat down with my 12 year old and we wolfed down Brownie Double Chocolate Delight Sundaes!  What? This is blasphemy, you say!  A diabetic wolfing down nighttime sundaes.

Not so, my dear Mr. Watson.  read on.....

My thoughts on food have changed.  One of my dearest friends ran the Boston Marathon this year. Here's the remarkable part--- he is 59 years old, and only started running 5 years ago. We talk shop regularly, and he is now of the mindset that "food is fuel". Sorry.  I am not there. I love to eat.  It is part of what got me into trouble in the first place. 

What I have done over the last 6 months is retrain myself. I am now aware of what I eat.  Long gone are the days of consumption without thought or awareness. I was spinning my wheels tonight on a quick 20 mile bike ride and thinking. I do allot of that these days. Thinking.  Well, alot of biking as well. But tonight I was thinking while riding.  it was one of those picture-perfect nights to ride here in NH. We had a late afternoon thundershower.  The temps were in the upper seventies when I left at 6:00PM... the air was steamy, mist was still rising off the streets, and the air had that 'summer smell' that passes all to quickly here in New England.

As I rode, I thought about how things have changed.  In my past life,  mealtimes mostly involved either take-out, or heating prepared foods. It was fast, convenient (unhealthy) and easy.  It was also deadly. Nowadays, I actually plan meals, take the time to head over to my local market 4-5 times a week, pick out fresh ingredients and instead of heating up food, I actually prepare meals. 

Better still, I have found a great joy in doing this. it is empowering to make healthy choices, listen to my body, take the time to read labels and recipes and see the process through to completion.  Tonight's dinner was shrimp and chicken skewers on the grille with lots of veggies, a salad and a bit of garlic bread.  

I made the comment to my son after dinner I hade made a 'great meal.' He countered with "Dad, these days, every dinner is great.". Ahh, from the mouths of babes, as my mom used to say. Again here is one of my insider secrets...  I changes the way food is prepared at home and my 12 year old proceeded to lose 10 pounds over the last few months.  He is not even away that my new lifestyle is rubbing off on him. He has been whipping up healthy dishes of his own, always prodding me to take a taste.

What a far cry from my perceived devastation in January.  Life is funny like that.

OK, back to the sundaes of tonight.  Yes, fat free and only 210 calories....

Don't believe it?  Here's my recipe:

(1) Serving No Pudge Brownie. 120 calories
1/2 Cup Fat Free, No Sugar Added Frozen Yogurt. 60 Calories
(1) Tablespoon Cool Whip Free.  15 calories
2 TBSP Sugar Free Hersey's Chocolate Syrup. 15 Calories
A light dusting of sprinkles. ;-)

I make the single serving No Pudge brownie as the box has a great microwave method to cook them one at a time.  I nuke it right in the bowl, creating a soft, luscious brownie bed. To this, I add the frozen yogurt, whipped cream, and a drizzle of Hershey's. Top with a few sprinkles and enjoy.  I like mine right from the microwave and still hot.  

No, I have no affiliation with No Pudge, but to say the brownies are amazing is an understatement.

Can I tell you a secret? 

I take the advise of my doc VERY seriously. Diabetes in nothing to mess around with. I did, however make one exception. 

Yes, just one.

I've dropped the weight, exercise as I should, yadda, yadda, yadda. Summer is here and I LOVE being barefoot. In January, when my D was out of control, my doc told me to 'protect my extremities'. aka- no more barefoot.

Though I am a little less likely to shuffle around the yard without shoes, twice this week found me at the beach walking barefoot in the sand, my honey by my side, the waves rolling in from a still frigid Atlantic ocean, and a huge smile on my face.

Yes, my life has changed. In truth, I marvel at the changes even still. I need to share this, however: I have never had a more deep appreciation from sand between my toes. I stopped a could of times just to marvel at the experience. Would I have felt the same way last your? You tell me!  What a gift.

The last few months seem to have passed in a blur.  So focused (aka obsessed) on getting healthy, the last few weeks have been like a slow awakening.  I am in my target weight range now.  The sprint is over.  Just imagine waking up in someone else's body. This is pretty close to how it feels. Now you're fat-- blink your eyes, and now you're not.  It is, by far, one of the most surrealistic experiences of my adult life.

No complaints mind you.  Nick and I just got back from 3 days of camping--- hiking, mountain climbing, kayaking, etc, etc. Such a blast! 

Simple post today.

By the numbers....

January 2, 2007- I weighed almost 240 pounds.  When my doc prescribed daily exercise, my first walk of about a mile left me exhausted, sore and discouraged.

Fast forward 5.5 months.

June 16, 2007- Down to 171 lbs, last Saturday found me cresting the 77 mile mark on my bike.  My ride started here in Salem NH.... I crossed 2 state lines, about 20 communities, biked by salt marshes in Hampton, farms in Stratham, the Philips Exeter Academy in Exeter, and back home. 5.5 hours of spinning my wheels. 84 degrees. 

Am I thrilled? What do you think.  You betcha.

My next "big ride" will be my 1st century ride (over 100 miles) up to mom and dad's sometime this summer. The beat goes on.

Today I wept.

Fourteen years ago, I walked a wide-eyed first grader into elementary school.  Today, 14 years later, my youngest experienced his last day of elementary school.

Looking back to January of this year, I thought my life was over. In fact, life as I knew it was over. I have said goodbye to allot of things so far this year.  It's been a year of immense transition and change- both inside and out.

I've said goodbye to my sedentary lifestyle. I've said goodbye to gluttony. I've said goodbye to almost 65 pounds. And said hello to a new life. Funny thing- the novelty has not worn off.

As my youngest walked out of school today 9and I snapped his picture-- much to his annoyance...) it hit me how blesses I am.  Sure, there are folks who would tell me that I am taking action- not sitting idly by, but blessed I am still the same.

Emotion reigned raw and supreme today, rendering me almost incapable of staying focused at my desk. I broke for a 15 mile ride to clear my head, cycling past the now "former" elementary school, as teachers scurried out with boxes stacked high, past the middle school that becomes home to my youngest this fall.

Am I grateful? 74 degrees today, the wind on my face, my health and the love of those around me.  Yup, I am one of the lucky ones. 

Yesterday was the big day. With much anxiety, trepidation, and a fairly hefty dose of fear, I headed on over to my 10:20 AM doctors appointment. To label my biggest fear, my concern was the possibility of permanent kidney damage. 

Like the good doo-bee that I am, I was in last week to have blood and other bodily fluids extracted for testing.

A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Needless to say, mine was busy. To cut right to the chase, the news was all pretty unbelievable. My A1C was an amazing 5.8! My goal was to be under 6.  Next up, other test like blood pressure (114/60) and cholesterol all were in what my doc called the "very healthy" range. Of course, the fact that I've dropped 62 pounds since my diagnosis in January was duly noted and reinforced as a very good thing indeed.

Though I left feeling like I was walking on air, I was a bit blind-sided by the crash a few hours later.

 "What now?"

I have effectively beaten this.  Rather than a feeling of victory, there is a bit of a hole. My core focus for months has been to beat diabetes. Victory has been achieved.  I am healthier than I have ever been. (25.24 miles today on my bike..) 

Not that long ago, I learned something about clarity. Clarity comes unasked for. When times of indecision come, I no longer look for clarity. I no longer hunt for it, like an odd psychological hunter stalking his prey.  Rather, I wait. Quietly, as serenely as possible.  I wait. Clarity always comes. 

I don't know what my next steps are. Yes, I am now in maintenance mode. I am OK with that. But, for now, I wait, and watch and try as best as possible to be open to whatever lies ahead.

Knock knock. 

Who's there?

Mr. Fear.

Life has changed so much over the last few months, that I find myself at times forgetting that I am diabetic.  No, really.  Yes, I watch my weight, get my exercise, etc, etc, but the reality is that thus far, I have seemingly avoided the worst consequences of diabetes.

One of my tests back in January showed protein in my urine.  This can be a sing of kidney damage.  Kidney damage is irreversible. 

Now for the medical geek jargon:

From the NIH Website:

Once you have kidney damage, you cannot undo it. But you can slow it down or stop it from getting worse by controlling your blood pressure, taking your ACE inhibitors or ARBs, and having your kidney function tested regularly.

When kidneys are working well, the tiny filters in your kidneys, the glomeruli, keep protein inside your body. You need the protein to stay healthy.

High blood glucose and high blood pressure damage the kidneys’ filters. When the kidneys are damaged, the protein leaks out of the kidneys into the urine. Damaged kidneys do not do a good job of cleaning out waste and extra fluids. Waste and fluids build up in your blood instead of leaving the body in urine.

Kidney damage begins long before you notice any symptoms. An early sign of kidney damage is when your kidneys leak small amounts of a protein called albumin (al-BYOO-min) into the urine. But the only way to know about this leakage is to have your urine tested.

With more damage, the kidneys leak more and more protein. This problem is called proteinuria (PRO-tee-NOOR-ee-uh). More and more wastes build up in the blood. This damage gets worse until the kidneys fail.

Diabetic nephropathy (neh-FROP-uh-thee) is the medical term for kidney problems caused by diabetes. Nephropathy affects both kidneys at the same time.  Read More>>>

Yesterday found me at my docs office.  Suffice to say, when I left, I was 4 vials of blood and a jar or urine lighter. Next Monday at 10:20AM, I meet with my doc for a follow-up. Though I fully expect good news, I find myself a bit blindsided by the resurfacing of the reality of this all.   One of the books I read early on-- I believe it was the Diabetes for Dummies book (a recommended read...) talked about the ebb and flow of acceptance.   I guess I am a pretty average diabetic in that respect. Well, time to pour myself into my work day.  

WOW.

WOW.

WOW.

What a weekend.   Last weekend found my taking my first camping trip of the year... and my first camping trip as a diagnosed diabetic.  Now, this may sound crazy to those without diabetes, but let's just say I look at life through very different eyes these days.  The biggest change I am wrapping my arms around is the dietary changes.  I NEVER knew that so much of my life, and our culture, centers around food.  Camping is no different. I need to share that I had a high degree of angst before heading up to the White Mountains. As I logo my calories/carbs every day, and know that I like to eat out a bit more when camping, I has a bit of anxiety about being able to stay in control.  I took the time to pack many of the foods I eat now--and stayed away from those foods I tend to binge on.  

I did discover that eating one s'more is like eating one chip--- it is simply an unattainable goal. That being said, I'll spare all the details. Suffice to say, I can now chalk up camping as a diabetic-friendly activity. (at least for me...).

The most amazing experiences of the weekend were had biking the Kangamaugus Highway. I spun my wheels for about 50 miles over 2.5 days.  Traveling from Conway at the western end of the "Kanc" to Bear Notch road, the experience was nothing short of amazing. At one point, I was coming out of Conway and caught a glimpse of snow-capped Mount Washington in the distance. Amazing is an understatement.

With no techno-distractions (like internet access, email or blogging...), I do alot of thinking when I ride. This past weekend was no different. Riding along the side of the Swift River, I pulled my MP3 player off and simply listed to the roar of the river as I rode. Like the 3EB song says, "I've never been so alive, so alive."  From that fated day in my doctors office- thinking life as I knew it was over to biking the most beautiful countryside in NH. I still marvel at the changes in my life. 

Diabetes is no longer a curse, a life sentence to mediocrity, and a world of pain. It has opened doors I never knew existed.  Doors unfathomable. Doors that would never have appeared had I not been diagnosed.  I feel for those who don't embrace change for change is the essence of life. Nothing is static.  Inspiration, driven by perspiration has become the driving force in my life. Chasing my dream of being more of a writer, and less of a "web guy", I'm working out the framework for a new book, tentative titled, "Overcoming Life."

In the end, it is not what happens to us that really matters. It is what we do with the curve balls that life throws at us that measure who we really are, and what we are truly capable of.

Today, I choose life. To live. To love. To embrace change...and to survive. 

It was there, the fun began...

Our waitress- seemingly well-seasoned at the 99's had a younger woman it tow all night.  She introduced herself and politely explained that she was training a new member of the wait staff.   Seemed harmless enough at the time. As my CDE had me watching carbs, I ordered a cut of beef, and substituted the fries for a second veggie. I ordered my standard diet Coke. At first sip, I suspected that there was a mix-up on my Coke. It was 9PM by this time.  I was hungry and tired. When the waitress in training came by, she noted my empty glass and came back with a new one.  As she was introduced as new, I deemed it wise to reconfirm that this was a diet Coke. Not too many folks realize that traditional soda has the equivalent of 1 teaspoon of processed sugar stirred in PER ONCE of soda. The math is simple.  A 12oz drink has the equivalent 12 teaspoons of refined, process sugar stirred in. The "new" waitress apologized that she had brought a regular Coke.  I asked her is there was any way to see what my original drink was. With a degree of sensitivity, she asked it I was diabetic. Sharing that I was, she explained that her mom was diabetic as well, and promptly offered to double check what was in my first drink.... and be sure that I was drinking diet soda. So far, so good. Again, I am quite tolerant of the fact that we all make an occasional mistake.  Such is our nature as members of the human family.

Then it happened.

The "seasoned" waitress came over to clear the dishes and asked my 11 year old is he wanted any dessert. She looked at me with what amounted to a look of mild pity and said, "We know that you can't eat dessert." Stunned, I shared that I could eat whatever I chose, I was choosing not to eat dessert. 

Those who know me best know that I look for lessons and the positive in most every experience. So, the million dollar question- what did I learn?

# There is still a huge amount of social ignorance about diabetes. In a 99 restaurant here in Salem NH several weeks ago, I asked about the availability of nutritional information before lunch with my son. Our waitress asked what my concern was, and I explained that I was diabetic and simply needed a bit of information. This brought about a prompt admonishment that I had "better not go into any fits at the table." I did the best I could to laugh it off.  Simply put, even those providing the SERVICE in FOOD SERVICE in many cases haven't a clue.

# My second lesson here is a bit more personal. I have many folks helping and supporting my quest to remain well. My Doc, my CDE, my family, my honey- all are rooting for me. Even with the support that I have, my primary caretaker is.. well... me. I am the one with the highest degree of vested interest in my wellness. I am the one out there making decisions every day to stay healthy. Though my doc wants me well, I am the one who is pedaling 10+ miles a day. Though my CDE hels immensely, I am the one deciding the final details about my meal planning. Even though my honey wants me healthy and around for a long time, I am the one choosing wellness. I don't play the blame-game for having diabetes. It's wasted energy. The lesson was not to double-check to see it it really was Coke vs. Diet Coke... the real lesson is that I am responsible- no one else.

It is immensely empowering. And motivating, and healing... to know that I am doing the best I can, and that, as a result of my choices, I am healthy.

It's not easy to turn the Titanic. I've been in "weight loss mode" for so many months that acclimating to what amounts to more of a "maintenance mode" is proving to be a bit more challenging that I thought.  I retrained myself how to eat so that the necessary weight came off. It took a couple of months  to acclimate to managing my calories and getting into the swing of daily exercise.  It's now change time again.  Oddly enough, I feel like I am cheating when I hit the 2000 calorie mark.  I need to work on my acceptance a bit and take a look backwards. It took me a month or two the last time my diet shifted.  Getting used to this "new normal" will take time.  I tipped the scales on Saturday at 174.  As my goal remains unchanged to keep my weight between 175-180, I need to remind myself that too much of a good thing-- even weight loss, is not healthy. 

I have to have lab work done later this week.  I am hoping (fingers crossed) for an A1C under 6.  I am going to offer a pre-test guess of a 5.9.  Fingers crossed!

As I continue in on my wellness path, it's hit me- there is no such thing as a "quick fix".  Obesity is rampant in America. This generation of kids may be the first in decades to have a shorter lifespan than their parents as childhood obesity is running rampant. I continue to learn, but in my humble opinion, it's not really that complicated.  Simply put, my body needs a specific amount of calories a day. If I exceed this number, I gain weight.  If I am below my daily caloric requirements, I loose weight.  It's a pretty simple concept. It seems that the mainstream media like to present what amounts to shortcuts and easier, softer ways to manage weight.

I know this from experience as I've dieted many times over the years. Without exception, the weight has come back.  In most cases, more so than ever. The flaw is that the whole concept of dieting simply does not work. I am retraining my thinking and my lifestyle. Down over 50 pounds, I have not once deemed this to be a diet.  I have made lifestyle changes. Daily exercise and watching my caloric intake have been the two biggest keys to my success. Since my diagnosis in January, I log my calories in a notebook daily. Initially, this was a bit of a pain, but I did it.  It keeps me honest and accountable.  It is probably my biggest single tool in my wellness toolbox.  Maybe my next book should be titled, "How a 99 Cent Notebook Changed My life."   ;-)

Though my alarm clock was set for 6:00 AM, I bounded out of bed at 5:30 AM. A quick thermometer check showed the temp at a flat 40 degrees.  As the weather was calling for a pretty strong wind, I decided to pack lots of clothing options in my bag and play it by ear when I got to Portsmouth. 

The pre-event check-in was pretty uneventful.  I was given my packet with my numbers and headed back over to my Jeep to get ready.  Though I watched many riders warming up in shorts, I made a judgment call to wear "longs".  I started my journey to wellness back in January with my daily walking. I had many nights walking in frigid temps and have long since realized I'd rather be warm than cold-- plus I could always ditch the pants if I needed to. Needless to say, that never happened as the day remained cool.  

The course was beautiful, winding along the seacoast, heading down the coast, there was a great tailwind and I averaged 22-24 MPH. The overall route started in Portsmouth, headed down to Hampton, went inland to Exeter, south to Seabrook, and back along the ocean for most of the trip back to Portsmouth. The last 15 miles were a struggle with an incessant 20 MPH headwind.  It felt like a 15 mile uphill trek!

It was at the last rest stop in Rye that I was hit with an overwhelming wave of emotion. Coming into the stop, there were loads of kids all cheering and yelling out words of encouragement. My eyes welled up. The last 5 miles are mine alone. My mind drifted back over the last few months.  At times, I forget that I am still a diabetic. My new lifestyle has brought about an amazing renaissance of my very being. Flashbacks of the last 4-5 months came and went. My doc telling me I had diabetes.... my nightly walks to bring down my sugar levels and take off the weight..... taking 15 minutes to put on enough layers in February so I could walk without frostbite.... the fear of all the complications I faced... amputation... blindness... strokes.... and more.  As I got closer to the finish line, it hit me.

There is a true Universal Balance in the world. I have lost over 50 pounds since January 2nd. Yesterday, I biked over 50 miles. The 50/50 balance. I hit my goal of raising $1,000 to help other diabetics. The money goes to the ADA.. so they can pass on their knowledge to folks like my doc, my CDE and more. 

As I pulled into the finish area, I struggled to remain composed. Looked at other riders, I wondered if any of them were diabetic and had similar experiences. My ego kicked in and I held a straight face on the outside as I wrapped up my ride. God forbid I am seen with tears in my eyes. A smile on the outside and my spaghetti insides crossed the finish line. 

I don't know what my future holds. My diabetes is under control- a day at a time, but it still dwells inside of me. This much I do know- I will continue to stay well. Life is short and whatever time I have, I want to make the most of. I will continue to ride. Ironically, my diabetes has given me so much of my life back. I will continue to love and to laugh. Oh, yeah, and next year, I'm going to up the stakes a bit with the 75 mile ride. 

Some things just can't be helped.  ;-)

Most rides, I don't have a clear feel for where I'll end up.  That's one of the joys of cycling. The road takes me where it takes me. As I headed toward North Salem, I made the decision to attempt Zion Hill. As I headed up the hill, I hit my stride. At the crest of the hill, the feeling was nothing short of amazing. Funny thing.  On my way back home, I had a couple of smaller hills to crest. As I had conquered Zion, everything else looked small. ;-)

Sometime during my ride, it hit me hard- my new lifestyle no longer requires effort- It has become engrained in me. I get up most every morning, think about the day ahead and plan the time slot that works best for my daily exercise. Weekends find me out early as I am then "free" the rest of the day. During the workweek, I have been taking an hour out of my workday to ride. I would no sooner miss my exercise than I would miss lunch!  This week will find me in Disney for the 3rd time since I was diagnosed.  Gone is the trepidation. I'll head down with my Calorie King book and my step counter and have a blast! I've learned that vacation away from work does not mean a vacation away from health. I need to be as careful in FL as I do here in NH. Life is better than it's ever been. 

I followed the same route that I did when I started walking. It hit me that I've been at this for months now-- and how far I've really come. Though rainy and cold tonight, it was still able 40 degrees.  This was the same walk I took in January, February, March.  I trekked this walk in rain, snow, minus 15 degree weather that took me 15 minutes to dress for. Man o man, am I grateful that I'm driven to get well. 3 Weeks left till my 50 mile Tour de Cure ride in Portsmouth.